Dear Dad – an autistic tale

Written to re-arranged melody with emotions (not necessarily context) induced by the London Symphony Orchestra version of Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now

Sing:

Dear Dad, I love you, never doubt, read this quietly don’t shout.
Don’t cry or fret and worry not, it might explain how here I got.

I used to gaze upon the walls and patterned curtains, carpets, floors.
I’d see the most amazing things, a creature’s head, a swirl of rings.

My age back then was less than one I know this because they become
An early part of how I am, an eye for detail from my pram.

At Grandma’s home in her back room a dash of black and yellow loom
Above me every morn I woke, alone but safe, no word yet spoke.

I knew my world and all that was, a special place, no hurt, no flaws.
A perfect place, a loving home, you made it nice, like honeycomb.

At 18 months my Uncle Pete gave me my first walk down the street
I still recall the sunny zoo, his clap of hands, the sky so blue.

Now that I was a little boy, I struggled fitting in, quite coy
I’d hang around the edge of Mom, “He’s shy” “He’s tall” the comments come.

At 3 my venture started sour, at playschool, drama, social dour
The boys I met who weren’t quite right, how mean they were and up to fight.

They taught me I should hit them first, I then became like them but worse
I turned robotic age of 5, my social cues were not alive.

I found the best place when at school was by myself, no scorn, no rules
I then would find an empty room and from afar watch people fume.

My neighbour Paul had introduced me to his friends so more abuse
If they weren’t taking all my toys they’d say things like “get lost” more noise.

The karmic bee stings in advance, it settles down in time entranced
And waits until that special time to sting your foes, it’s quite sublime.

At 8 you took me down the road with my new bike, and lights that glowed
Was there I learned to make a den of wooden crates, away from men.

For years I’d said I just ate stew at school because I knew the truth
That Mom would be hurt as she knew what I won’t eat, my tastes were few.

It took a while for me to grow a new persona, one that flowed
into my sense of injustice, I’d break up fights, console and this;

I’d use my height to separate, myself from peers who now irate,
Knew that they could not beat me down I stood my ground I wore the crown.

Top of the school at least of boys I’d beat the lot at maths and toys,
You bought me all the things I got, I could now talk and talked a lot.

About the things that interest me, my models, games, ‘lectricity
The toys I stripped with my bare hands to reassemble, LED’s in hand.

I still lamented seeing how the others talked and laughed so now
When once again exclusion came, I fought back differently, by brain.

An outbound holiday was near. “No water for you” it became clear,
I could not swim so others laughed, I’d laugh at them, so to the baths.

With your support and Grandma’s too and Grandad George “say Toodleloo”
I learnt to swim in 6 weeks flat, there’s no way I’m being held back.

Acceptance came that holiday from all my peers hip hip hooray.
Now that I reached the age of ten I did not need to build that den.

Dear Dad – Age 11 – All Change

The stress the pressure, cannot be, I’d looked forward to school you see
I’d bought the books for Second’ry, yet bus was late, eternity.

I saw that older kids on board had all once been at my old school
We’d pick up more, 2 miles to go, hold on, which route, why this way go?

So late we were, a hill to trek, alighting bus, oh what the heck
I marched uphill I’m tired and worn, no-one in front we’re late for sure

With eyes wide open like scared deer I see the Hall now filled with fear
100 kids in one big room, called one by one, it felt like doom.

I calculate just who went where but see no pattern, pure despair.
My peers called up in different groups, I’m left alone my will power droops

New kids start pointing as they leave, where is my group, who am I please?
I freeze upon their intense glare as new kids start to laugh and stare.

My school you see had split three ways, then big school a further six ways
To different schools what can I say, then different classes, God I pray.

All these new people in my class, I sadly sit like treading glass
The same seat by the door for years, reminding me I’m last, in tears.

I kept composure freezing still, they seemed to know each other’s will
Who are these kids why do they laugh, back to the age of 5 I lapse,

I stay the way I’d often been, no friends to talk no interests gleaned
At breaks I search for my old crew, but they are vacant, lost in stew.

My newfound status torn to shreds, my confidence in others heads,
“Be quiet” “keep still” “observe” “don’t talk” bow down, be still, lament, what’s wrong?

My height no longer works you see when full of kids of 6 foot 3
“A small fish” you once said to me “the pond is big” just not like me.

How can I tell you and my Mom the deepest thoughts of your quiet son.

Dear Dad age 13

Now that I’m bored with being late I take to foot with my best mate
Forget the bus lets walk to school now old enough, no more a fool.

I realised I had a knack, interrogate not answer back
I’d simply ask questions like ‘why’ and wait to see sparks of life fly.

I volunteered no more than asked too tame outside but inside wracked
With working out just what to say then missing opportunity.

It mattered not I’m quite content with being quiet, not hell bent.
On proving who I have to be, they know me not so let me be.

A skiing trip was soon arranged the Dolomites so lessons changed.
From one of books and computing to wine and dance, but still growing.

My early taste of pleasures brought an extroverted introvert.
A twisted shadow people scorned ‘What is wrong now’ ‘Has he transformed’.

Another alter-ego came forward to fill in gaps, my game.
I took to smoke and became known as someone fair, but trouble prone.

I managed to alienate the better side of class, year 8
Excitement with the rebel lot led to a path not care a jot.

Dear Dad – age 14

So schools a wreck, at end of day, at home I stay enjoy the play
time on computer learning much, fast track PC, no need to touch.

Make sound make light, learn fast learn hard, Spend all my time at home, bombard
My senses with ‘lectronic things the fruits of younger years now sing.

An aptitude for coding grew as school captain, they made me cool
‘He reads a lot’ the teachers say, the truth I don’t I simply play.

I’d learned to make your PC sing with simple code, no sound card being
available to program ’round, a simple beep, a symphony found.

To make a white dot bloom to red then blue then green “it’s in his head’
Until I showed them how it’s done, dumbfound them, I had just begun.

The rate of knowledge pouring in, I’d found my thing, again would win.
My confidence once more would grow I’d share my thoughts, show people how.

Dear Dad age 15

“Come into town” my cousin said. “OK I’ll come” and so she led
me into rooms of smoke and more in coffee shops sugar would pour.

The old guys and the new kids came from failing jobs and new schools same
The generation gap no more, we talked as one, politics, more.

My newfound love for going out confined to one small space no doubt
To me it was a brand-new world, new friends came forth and fun times swirled.

“Wake up” Mom said, we’re going out. It’s 10pm no-ones about?
“Grandad’s not well” You drive the car, but then my thoughts don’t get that far.

You take a right instead of left. the wrong Grandad I now know dead.

Time is strange when thinking back at younger years and quick attacks
on your whole life that come undone, it happens once, twice thrice, no fun.

My dreams of Grandad walking by the door with me exclaiming “why
did you take so long to come back?” as quiet in life as death turns black.

Dear Dad age 16

Sweet 16 I think not now, for 6 months I’d skipped school and how?
I’d walk to school still everyday, then skip lessons on way to pray

For Grandad at the crem you see, never made it so town for me.
A cousin took pity on me, everyday signs the registry,

How no-one saw is beyond me, I disappeared from life you see.
I’d spend all day in cafe in town then nighttime alcohol poured down.

I know you found me one bad night, bringing me home to quite a fright
My Mom concerned but never saw the devastation, I adored

My Grandad and if I’d not gone into the cafe that day but one
With friends the year before I swore I might have been with him that morn.

By Technonic (Human) 2023 / Image by Technonic / Midjouney (AI) 2023